


Wouldn't It Be Nice

by RyanAckart



Series: Logan the Lone Courier - Part 2 [2]
Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Courier is Lone Wanderer | Lone Wanderer is Courier, Independent New Vegas (Fallout), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 11:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17182040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyanAckart/pseuds/RyanAckart
Summary: A panic attack, like the ones he used to get in Vault 101, has the courier and his boyfriend, Major Liam Knight, outside in the middle of the night. They talk about the past and their future and how New Vegas fits into that





	Wouldn't It Be Nice

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me at **fairtomato.twitter.com**

Logan listens to Liam’s soft breathing, unable to fall asleep himself. He nuzzles his hair a bit from behind, though he’s careful not to wake him. He misses his dad a lot right now. When they returned from the disaster that was Vault 4, Knight listened patiently as he finally told him the full story of his past--from growing up in the vault and escaping, to the Enclave and President Eden, to the Brotherhood of Steel and his decision to leave DC behind forever. Logan feels guilty.

He feels guilty for leaving his dad to die. It’s been a few years and it’s still something he wrestles with.

He feels guilty for not telling Liam sooner, for being vague about his past all this time. He apologized profusely for it but Knight promised it was okay. He’s too nice for his own good. How can Logan justify keeping such large secrets from the man he claims to love?

‘Claims.’

He does love Liam. But why didn’t he just tell him the truth sooner?

He didn’t want to think about his dad or the vault or Harkness or anything from back then. His eyes tear up. Running away from the Capital Wasteland and heading west was supposed to help, but sometimes he feels like all it did was make him sad on the other side of the country. It was a dangerous journey, one he almost died on a handful of times. But he does like it here and never plans to go back.

Now he’s crying tears onto the pillow he and Liam share tonight. What would his dad think? He’d be eager to meet Liam, he’d want to hear about his travels. He’d berate him for all the times he’s acted reckless. But what he wants more than anything is just the chance to hug him again. Logan isn’t the same person he was when he first emerged from Vault 101. Would his dad still love him...?

His heart burns and his mind whispers _‘no’_ but he knows that isn’t true. His dad will always love him. He misses him so fucking much.

His anxiety is starting to kick in. He shuts his eyes and tells himself the walls aren’t closing in. He remembers the panic attacks he used to have in the vault. His dad put him on anxiety meds as a teen but he also knew how to soothe him.

His dad’s not here anymore, but Liam is and Liam’s now witnessed one of his attacks. Logan’s grateful he was able to distract him in that elevator even though Knight didn’t mean to tell him about his leave until a better moment. As glad as he is that Liam is leaving the army, it doesn’t help him right now because his thoughts shift to being trapped in the elevator. Weeks have passed since that incident but the terror is still fresh in his mind, moreso than the pain of the injury he got from that _creature_. At least the gash in his side is almost healed, trauma is harder to get rid of.

He lets go of Liam and rolls onto his back. _Outside,_ his brain chants over and over. He can go outside right now. When he was stuck in Vault 101, that wasn’t an option. But does he really want to throw on some pants and run through McCarran?

Yes.

His breathing quickens, his hand flexes with indecision. Does he want to wake Liam up? Part of him absolutely does. But the other part says he doesn’t deserve Liam’s comfort--he should’ve been a better boyfriend and told the truth about where he’s from sooner. He can’t control his tears.

“Liam,” he whispers. “Liam.”

“What?” he murmurs groggily.

“I wanna go outside.” Will he catch his meaning through his tiredness?

“Huh?”

“I need to go outside. Please.”

That seems to click because Liam’s pushing himself up, eyes barely open, and nodding. “Come on then.”

Logan scrambles to grab his pants off the floor, shoves his feet in his shoes, trusting his boyfriend is behind him. He barely remembers hurrying through the airport, only knows where he’s at when he’s sucking in lungfuls of cool, crisp air under a full moon.

“Sorry,” he says, watching a guard on the opposite side of the compound.

“It’s okay. What’s wrong?”

“Just started feeling like the walls were closing in. And thinking about my dad didn’t help.” His body still trembles. “When I first came to the surface, I was terrified of the sky at night. Day time was a bit overwhelming too but night was...bad. I dunno why exactly. It’s just a big black void. It scared me to look at it and made camping outside difficult.” He turns his gaze away from the sky and he wipes at his eyes. “Like the opposite of my claustrophobia.”

“Does it still scare you?”

“Every once in a while I’ll catch myself getting nervous but I’m used to it by now.” He sees a bench nearby and wanders over, hearing Knight close behind. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you my past sooner.”

“I told you it’s okay,” he says quietly.

Logan shakes his head. “It’s not.”

“Well, I accept your apology.”

He still feels guilty. “I used to get bullied.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, ever since I was a kid. Fuckin’ Butch and his stupid Tunnel Snakes. My worst panic attack was his fault. We got in a fight, I kicked him in the stomach, he and his friends locked me in an old storage closet.” This is probably the worst moment to revisit this particular memory.

“How’d you get out?”

“My dad and a janitor found me. I don’t remember much of it to be honest. He took me home and I guess I had a meltdown. I see glimpses of it. I fucking hated Butch.”

“Did you get revenge?”

Logan grins for the first time tonight. “I snuck up behind him one day and shaved a huge chunk of his hair off. I also gave him a black eye but he was _devastated_ about his hair, it was hilarious. People suck everywhere. No matter where I’ve been, DC, Charleston, Santa Fe, here, plenty of people would kill you for a handful of caps. But a lot more people are just trying to live life and trying to help their neighbors live too.”

“You sure have gotten around these last few years.”

“I’m still not completely sure why I came out here. The Capital Wasteland had its water, the Brotherhood was protecting it, my dad was gone, my boyfriend broke up with me. My ex-best friend was overseer and she still didn’t let me back in the vault. My other best friend didn’t even try to defend me.”

“Do you think you would’ve gone back if she did?”

That’s something he needs to think about. “No,” he finally says. “It wouldn’t have felt right without my dad, especially after everything her dad did. Plus if my claustrophobia was bad before, it probably would’ve gotten way worse. Vault life...is easy compared to the surface--at least the vaults that weren’t fucked up like 4 was. But as stressed as I’ve been, I still wouldn’t go back. I don’t want to return east at all, especially now that I have you.”

Liam puts a hand over his.

“Didn’t mean to bring that bullying stuff up to make you feel bad for me or take away from being sorry. Sorry about that too.”

“I already accepted your apology. So after everything that happened to you, they still decided to open up the doors to the wasteland?”

“Yeah. This was after my dad died but before DC got water. They didn’t keep it open all the time but they were allowed to trade for supplies at Megaton and not be under the authoritarian rule of the previous overseer. That’s what Amata said her plans were anyways, I didn’t get to see them in action. When I killed Motor-runner, I got scared. Hsu said they opened it up and were immediately slaughtered by raiders. I told Amata what happened to my dad, I told her the Enclave couldn’t be trusted, that being in the vault was a lot different from being outside. She’s smart, I know she doesn’t have a literal open door policy, but Vault 3 reminded me of what could be.”

“It’s unfortunate what happened to them, but that’s not 101’s fate.”

“Just gotta keep reminding myself of that. Oh, did I ever tell you about the GOAT?”

“The _goat?_ Isn’t that an animal?”

“Yeah, but this GOAT was the Generalized Occupational Aptitude Test. I dunno if it was just a 101 thing or all vaults but it was this test we had to take when we turned sixteen to determine what job we’d get once we were adults. Ten questions where the teacher gave us a scenario and we had to choose what we’d do in each situation.”

“What were your results? Do you have to do what you test in to?”

“No, but it’s encouraged. Mine was a tie between pip-boy programmer and pedicurist.” He doesn’t have to wait long for the laughter he expects from Liam.

“Pedicurist? I, uh, didn’t know you were a foot person, babe.”

“Okay, I am _not_. When I turned eighteen, Stanley taught me how to program. What does school in Junktown look like? Is it mandatory?”

“Yes. One of the mayors, I think the original founder’s grandson, had a school built and it eventually became a required thing. When the NCR formed, it spurred other territories to build them in a more official capacity. I did alright, I liked history a lot. I remember when I first came out, there was this group of friends in my class that started making fun of me. One of my sister’s beat the leader up and that was the end of that.”

“Rad. The part about your sister of course. I’m looking forward to meeting all your family.” It still sort of blows his mind that Liam has two parents, five siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. Even a nephew. And those are just the ones in Junktown. For all of Logan’s life, it’s only been him and his dad. Sure, he had the vault too but...it wasn’t the same. “Fuck, a nice long vacation with you in California,” he groans.

He then groans a lot more loudly and lets his head thump against the bench. “I...I don’t know when I’ll be able to leave Vegas.”

Liam looks around, nobody’s near but they still need to be careful. “We’re alone but talk quietly.”

“I can’t leave the city alone right after. I...don’t want to do this.” Why did he allow the fate of New Vegas to fall on him? He’s not even from the fucking west coast, this isn’t his fight. Except now it is. He left DC, in part, because he couldn’t handle being a ‘hero.’ He still wouldn’t call himself one but the same sort of thing is happening again. As much as he wants to give up, he knows this is the path he needs to keep walking.

Liam’s hand gently rubs his back.

Logan spent a good portion of his time in the Capital Wasteland fighting alone. He did make friends just about everywhere he went but not permanent companions. Harkness was around for most of it and he helped Logan through the hardest times of his life but he was bound to Rivet City. Things fell apart until they ended things altogether. And that hurt. But the task in front of them right now is so daunting that he’ll understand if Liam wants to leave.

It would shatter his fucking heart, but he would get it.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry we can’t go to Junktown yet. I’m so sorry, I’m sure this isn’t what you wanted out of a relationship.”

“It’s certainly not what I expected,” Knight admits. “But I love you. And I’m with you. I have no illusions about how difficult our journey’s about to become. But we’re going to face it together and come out on the other side together. We’ll make all this work. I want to make it work.”

“I want that too. I want to build a life with you--whatever that means, whatever it looks like. This war is just...”

“War is always ugly. We knew that long before we ever met. It doesn’t feel like it right now but this fight will eventually come to an end. An end where the Legion is defeated once and for all and New Vegas and its people are safe. We focus on this first and then we can figure out the next step.”

Logan squeezes his hand. He’s no longer so lonesome, no longer letting himself wander wherever the wind takes him. Logan has a hotel floor of friends at the Lucky 38 and he has Liam by his side. “You make me feel less scared,” he whispers. “And I love you too. So much.” He perks up, completely ignoring the twinge in his side as he does so. “Your family could come to the Lucky 38 since it’s...well, it’s mine now. There’s more than enough room for all of them.” He notices the renewed excitement in Liam’s face. “If you want to write them a letter, I can send it when I get back to Vegas tomorrow.”

He nods. “I’ll write it in the morning and explain the change of plans. How’s your side? I noticed you make a face when you straightened up.”

“It’s mostly fine, just tugs when I reach my arm out too far or move weirdly. Arcade mentioned there was something he wanted to talk to me about. Wasn’t urgent but could help against the Legion. I didn’t wanna deal with anything involving them while I visited you but I should find out what his idea is. Then when you arrive, we can get right to work.” It means more than he can ever convey hearing Liam say they’re in this together. But Logan will make sure he knows how grateful he is.

“I wonder what his plan is. How you feeling? Ready to go back in or no?”

“Yeah, I am.” He still feels a bit on edge, but he’s carried that feeling since waking up in Goodsprings.

It’s not until they’re back in the room that Logan realizes how cold it was outside. They both hurry to return under the blanket. Despite how he feels right now, Logan is excited that in just a couple more days Liam will finally be able to join him. He remembers when he asked him to come with him during their trip to Nipton, when their relationship was barely two days old.

He’s meeting him at the Lucky 38. His family knows but he hasn’t told any NCR except Hsu that he’s leaving. That’s what he’s going to do tomorrow after ‘that courier the major’s dating’ heads out. But Logan is the only one who knows he isn’t re-enlisting. Maybe he’ll feel differently in the future but right now, this is the correct choice. It wasn’t a decision he took lightly or something influenced solely by Logan. He hopes his family understands that when he finally tells them this leave isn’t actually temporary. He thinks they will. His parents have always pushed their children to do whatever they want, as long as they don’t hurt anybody and are happy.

However, he wouldn’t put it past them to storm the hotel early not only to meet Logan but to question him in person. They can’t do that at an NCR camp, they don’t need to follow their rules now that he’s out. He tries to look at Logan but he’s buried in the blankets. His red hair sticks out, his face full of piercings hidden, the tattoo just below his collar bone that Liam likes to place kisses on out of sight.

His eyes drift over to the dresser next, where a photo sits. It’s a picture of Logan and his dad on his tenth birthday. He pulled it from his pack while explaining the very, very long story to Knight. During his struggle to escape the vault, he’d left it--and nearly everything else he owned--behind. But Amata saved it for him, saved it from security’s destruction as they tore his and James’ living quarters apart to look for ‘evidence.’

Hearing Logan describe that time is honestly disturbing. The overseer lost his mind, almost harmed even his own daughter. He barely escaped in one piece, having to watch the door seal off the only home he’d ever known. Then he had to set off into the unfamiliar wasteland to find his dad. Alone.

Logan still has the holotape he picked off that other doctor’s corpse. He played it for Liam and together they listened to James’ cryptic goodbye, demands not to follow him, and one final ‘I love you.’ Logan burst into tears when it finished and that ended up making Liam cry too. Thinking about it now makes him snuggle even closer to his boyfriend.

“Thanks for going outside with me.” His voice is muffled. “I swear these panic attacks don’t happen often. At least you don’t have to wake up early.”

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t have minded.”

“What time is it anyways?”

“Mm, almost 3:15.”

“Ugh. Okay. Time for sleep.”

“Night. Love you.”

Logan’s head finally pokes out to give him a kiss. “Love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm personally obligated to sneak in a mention of Killian (and Devon) every time Junktown is brought up lol. And I could be wrong but I don't _think_ goats survived into the wasteland. I had to look up all the GOAT results, last time I played 3 I got laundry cannon operator 
> 
> Pip-Boy programmer - science  
> Pedicurist - energy weapons


End file.
